Eastern Conference Confessional: What the Coaches Wish They Could Tell Us


Boston coach Doc Rivers

What can I tell you? Three down to season-ending injuries. Endless baloney rumors. Welcome for two young NBA vets back from China, hoping they can fill out the bench (Terrence Williams, D.J. White). Danny gave me the most shot-happy and potentially dangerous—to the opposition and our offense—player in the league (Jordan Crawford). When we sneak into the playoffs, we’ll finally get back to the good part.  I’ll be honest, I was about to sink into a deep depression, then the key to our offense gets hurt, I get to coach again, and my players start to remember what it’s like to have fun on the court again. Tough for us to win on the road when two of our rotation players haven’t practiced with the team yet. It’ll be like training camp all over again once we get back to Boston. Got to sneak up to 6th place and meet the Knicks.

Heat coach Erik Spoelstra

Thank you, LeBron. Thank you, LeBron. Thank you, LeBron. Thanks for joining us, Ray. Thank you, LeBron. Can I get you anything, Pat? LeBron? Dwayne? Ray? LeBron?

Knicks coach Mike Woodson

Rats! Nobody would take Amare. Melo can’t hit his threes anymore cause he’s worn down from guarding power forwards all year. I told him it was going to happen, but was hoping it wouldn’t be so dramatic.
We need some 24-hour care up in here. Rasheed and Camby got hurt. Not shocked. Kidd’s been looking like he needs a rest before April. Maybe we can scheme it up so Kidd and Melo can rest for a week in March. We’ll have Novak and J.R. hang out around the 28-foot mark and toss up 10 treys each for a few games.

Atlanta coach Larry Drew

What the hell am I supposed to do now that Josh is still in that locker room? Ferry goes dangling Josh for the last two months and now he’s still here. Tired of Bill Simmons giving Ferry all that praise. Guy thinks he knows better than everyone else. Can’t even get us something back for Josh. Maybe Zaza can cheer him up. Wish i could explain to everyone how good we might have been if Josh was happy and Lou Wiliams wasn’t done for the year. Devin, man! Nice guy, but how did that guy get ever get paid? He owes Dirk half of his career earnings.

Indiana coach Frank Vogel

If Hibbert ever remembers how to score again, and my George brothers (Paul, Hill) keep it together, we’re taking the playoffs by storm, with or without this fan-base. Hope Danny G doesn’t throw things off.

Brooklyn coach Deron Williams

Funny how P.J. still thinks he’s the coach. Not “Ha-ha” funny, but kind of odd.  Ever since I got Avery fired, we’re having fun here. I mean, people don’t realize how much Avery is old-school.  I mean he thinks he’s Pop!  But he ain’t Pop! Guess I should thank Brook for how good he’s been this year. Instead, I’m going to yell at my ankles for the fifteenth time today: “Hate you, ankles! Ankles! Recover! I demand you recover!”

Chicago coach Tom Thibodeau

These a**holes didn’t show up on Thursday. Can’t get up for the f*ckin HEAT on TNT!@# Made me look like a chump! Even worse against OKC on Sunday. Can we get off of the damn networks until Rose is back!@# Gotta take some Pepcid. Gotta eat better. No more deep dish. No more bacon. Okay…less bacon. This year might kill me.

Milwaukee coach Jim Boylan

We’re going for it! We got Reddick. Three guards, all shooters. What am I supposed to tell Ilyasova? You want the ball? Go get that rebound! Be more like Sanders!

Washington coach Randy Wittman

Someone wanted Crawford! Wall is finally healthy! Nene and Okafur are great on the interior. Nobody will ever believe me, but if I had this current team healthy all year, we’d be in the 6th spot in the East and people would finally appreciate the fact that I know what I’m doing. We’re 13-9 in our last 22!

Cleveland coach Byron Scott

If I weren’t such a jerkface, I’d be thanking Kyrie for saving my coaching career. Tristan’s taking advantage of his minutes. If I stepped down, this team might have a future, and maybe Oden would sign here.

Philadelphia coach Doug Collins

This is not how it was supposed to go. Stop asking me about Bynum. Enough! Wish I was at home with the grandkids.

Toronto coach Dwayne Casey

Rudy Gay! Happy Day! Not bad, eh? No, we ain’t making the playoffs, so winning ain’t that helpful, but it feels good, don’t it? Gay, Lowry, and DeRozan can fill the seats! Hope I get to keep mine to see it!

Detroit coach Lawrence Frank

In Drummond and Monroe, we have the next twin towers. Duncan and Robinson. McHale and Parish. Moses and Dream. Dre’s stress fracture broke my back too, you know! Wish we could fast forward to 2014. Can’t wait to see what we do with Calderon’s 10.5 million in cap space. Get me Bledsoe and we’ll see you in the East Finals within four years.

Orlando coach Jacque Vaughn

Keep your eyes on me. I’ve been an underrated player my whole career, learned from great coaches (Roy Williams, Sloan, Pop), and I’m a really intelligent guy. My players will always play for me. If you’re looking at our record, you wouldn’t have any idea, but we’ve got to see what we have with are young trio of Vucevic, Harkless and Nicholson. Check back in 2017.

Charlotte coach Mike Dunlap

Does anyone besides my family and a few of our players know I’ve been coaching the Bobcats all year?

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2 thoughts on “Eastern Conference Confessional: What the Coaches Wish They Could Tell Us

  1. [...] excelling in their new roles).  Take away their fearless leader, Joakim Noah (plantar fascitis), Tom Thibodeau doesn’t miss a beat.  He is the drum machine of the NBA.  Silent. Stoic.  And incapable of [...]

  2. [...] excelling in their new roles).  Take away their fearless leader, Joakim Noah (plantar fascitis), Tom Thibodeau doesn’t miss a beat.  He is the drum machine of the NBA.  Silent. Stoic.  And incapable of [...]

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