Rivers Announces Celtics “Don’t Need a Point Guard,” Declares Himself “Un-retired”

In a surprise press conference today, a pretend-version of Doc Rivers explained to the astonished assembled media:

“I’m tired of all this talk about how we need a point guard.  Haven’t any of you taken a look at my career numbers?  You don’t think I have anything left?  You don’t think I’ve been waiting for this moment since we traded for Garnett?”

Pretend-Doc continued, “Now, look, I know our team is old, and I know we’ll miss Rajon’s abilities with the ball, but SERIOUSLY!  haven’t you seen any of our practices?  I still have a little something left. Just don’t ask me to get out in transition.  I still limp from that torn ACL I suffered back in…I forget when…give me a break….I’m 51.  It doesn’t matter.  Anyway, I can’t lead the break, but in the half-court…I know my way around.  .  I can play the pick-and-roll game.  Don’t you remember me teaming up with Dominique?  You forget about my season in New York with Ewing?  I averaged almost 11 points, 6 assists and 2 steals in my fourteen year career!  Doesn’t that count for anything?”

The press room had never heard such silence, while Rivers drank from his water bottle.

“You know what, you guys go on speculating about a Pierce trade, a KG trade, some other trade-machine mess!  I know that I can run this team.  We’re not going to go sign Delonte West when I can suit up and play for the minimum.  I can keep us under the cap, keep our team together for the future, and maybe even win us a game or two all by myself before the playoffs come.”

Asked for a response, pretend Paul Pierce looked at the floor and sighed.  “Listen…Doc’s our coach…We’ve gotta believe in him…if he thinks he has something left….well, we’ve gotta…well, I don’t know.  I’m not going to tell you he doesn’t still have the fire.”  Pierce gazed off into the middle distance and a tear rolled down his cheek.

Pretend Kevin Garnett, lingering in the corner of the locker room, responded, “I can’t wait to get out there on the court with Doc!  He’s about to prove all you reporters wrong!  He’s going to mess up some of these rookie point guards.  He controls the tempo, man!”

“We’re not a run-and-gun team nowadays.  You all know that.  We can call an extra time-out or two if needed.  Doc is like a player-coach, anyway.  This way, he doesn’t need to yell at Sully and Bass from the bench, he can do it from the top of the key when they’re out of position!”

Pretend Courtney Lee and pretend Jason Terry, two of the likely playing-time beneficiaries of Rondo’s absence, were unavailable for comment.

Pretend Austin Rivers, Doc’s son and current NBA rookie on the New Orleans Hornets, was reached by phone for comment.  Austin explained, “I know it might be a shock to some, but since we (the Hornets) beat them (the Celtics), my dad keeps telling me, ‘It ain’t over, yet.  Don’t think you’ve got a leg up on me, yet, son.’  I knew my dad was just driven enough, just crazy enough, to get back out there.  When I heard Rondo went down, I thought to myself, ‘I bet he does it.  I bet he gives himself two weeks to get into better shape, and then decides he’s gonna give it one more shot.’

When asked if he thought his dad was putting his health at risk by re-entering the NBA at age 51, Austin stared off into the abyss, speaking quietly.  “My dad’s gonna do what he’s gonna do.  I don’t think he’ll be up in the air enough to land awkwardly or anything like that.  Still, I hope he subs himself out when he’s pushing it too much.”

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