Fictional Responses by Celtics Players to Trade Rumors

Fictional responses to the vortex of trade speculation that has engulfed the NBA and the Boston Celtics, as we head into Thursday, trade deadline day. Remember, “fictional” means “I’ve created these responses.”

  • Brandon Bass: “I was born in Louisiana. I went to LSU. Trade me to the Pelicans. I’m tired of the snow. But also, wherever I go is fine, as long as I get out of here. Atlanta or Charlotte would be fine, too. I’m a hard worker. I would never say anything like this to the media.”
  • Kris Humphries: “I’m ready to go. I’m tall. I have a tempting expiring contract. I have big muscles. I have a huge forehead. Who wants me? I inhale rebounds and in practice, I can knock down 14-footers! I’m improving my limited offensive game. Send me to Phoenix. Send me to Charlotte.”
  • Jeff Green: “This is a business. Since I came here, I’ve had to tune out all the talk. Be more aggressive. Be more consistent. Garnett tells me to ‘be an asshole.” Well, I’m a nice guy. I’m laid back. And I knock down corner three-pointers with ease. I can defend LeBron and Paul George. If they keep me around, with Rondo and Sully and we find a new center in the next year or two, I’ll turn your frown upside down. Also, peace to all the heart operation survivors!”
  • Rajon Rondo: “Toronto: no, thank you. Sacramento: nope. That isn’t even a city, man. Golden State: hmm. Houston: hmm. The Bay Area has some nice weather. Houston gets so damn humid. It’d be fun to be in Memphis, back near the old KY, but they got Conley for the next decade. Golden Gate…hmm. Plus, there’s the fact that Jonah lives out in San Francisco. Tell you what: the speculation is kind of fun for me. I’d love to build something here in Boston. Prove to everyone that I wasn’t just lucky to be along for the ride with Pierce and KG. I won’t even mention that other guy. Sully and Green and Bradley. Man…we just need a damn center who can mess things up in the lane and some depth. The way this winter is going on, I wouldn’t mind some warm weather. Any athlete who tells you they love all this ice and snow is either lying or was born and raised in a refrigerator. Guess it doesn’t matter, right? I don’t get to have a say in any of this anyway. Danny told me he’d tell me if things got close. He hasn’t said a word yet…”
  • Danny Ainge: (on the phone): “Hold on…yeah, hold on…what? No, I don’t have a quote for you. Say whatever you were planning to say anyway…(back on the phone…)…What? No. Draft picks. Top 15 overall. No. Are you serious? Bass is a legitimate defender. Go watch the clips of him against Carmelo in last year’s playoffs. No. Not even close. Humphries gives you an actual presence in the paint. His jumper has improved.  What?? No. You want to talk Rondo.  What you got?”
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One thought on “Fictional Responses by Celtics Players to Trade Rumors

  1. mycelts says:

    My brain hurts 😉

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