NBA Follows MLB’s Lead, Proposes Dramatic Pace of Play Changes

Following Major League Baseball’s proposed pace-of-play rule changes, the NBA is (we can only hope) considering adopting 12 new rules to minimize down-time between the opening tip and the final buzzer. Here are the proposed new rules:

1. The 24-second shot clock will be reduced to 10-seconds.

2. Players will be allowed only three fouls. The fourth foul results in disqualification as well as crowd singing, “See you later….Alligator!”

3. New free-throw policy. For the first 18 game minutes of each half, team will be awarded one point, possession of the ball, and extra fluids. When less than 6:00 remain in each half, free-throws will actually be taken.

4. Players can no longer argue foul calls. When player gets within two feet of referee, a kind of force-field which will be dubbed, “The Ref Zone,” an automatic warning is issued to the offending player. On second violation of the sacred two-foot zone, a technical foul is issued and one point is awarded to the opposing team.

5. Time-outs reduced from six full-length breaks per game and one 20-second timeout to two twenty-second timeouts and one ten-second “tiny timeout.”

6. No more warm-up jerseys and warm-up pants. Players are no longer allowed to wear extra clothing, which takes a few seconds to put on and take off, in order to stay warm on the bench. Hot chocolate, coffee, and tea will be provided during winter months in northern cities.

7. Instant replay will no longer be reviewed in the arena, but will be conducted via satellite at NBA headquarters. (In seriousness, this would be a great change to make.)

8. Halftime reduced from 15-minutes to 5-minutes. Teams will be mandated to build extra bathrooms in all arenas to deal with halftime chaos.

9. If any team turns the ball over more than 15 times in one game, the game immediately ends and the other team is awarded the victory. When a team commits it’s 10th turnover, the PA announcer must declare, “Five turnovers remain.” After a team’s 14th turnover, the Jaws theme song will be played for 10 seconds. After a team’s 15th turnover, the Poltergeist theme will be played for 10 seconds.

10. If any team makes seven straight three-pointers, the game immediately ends and they are awarded the victory.

11. Upon the event of the basketball going out of bounds with less than three minutes remaining in the first, second, or third quarters, that particular quarter automatically ends.

12. If a player happens to lose a sneaker at any point in the game, the game ends and the other team is immediately awarded the victory.

All changes will not be tested out in the NBA’s D-League in November. The building of the bathrooms will not take place during the NBA’s All-Star Break in February. 

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One thought on “NBA Follows MLB’s Lead, Proposes Dramatic Pace of Play Changes

  1. Baby Jesus says:

    This is one of the greatest reads of all time. Ha!

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