DeMarcus Cousins’ Health and Considerations of Heaven and Hell in Sacramento


We live in a world that lacks editing, that much is obvious. “Cowbell Kingdom,” the site which Rotoworld.com uses for its Sacramento Kings player coverage, uses apostrophes. Rotoworld, on the other hand, doesn’t always use apostrophes. Here’s an example of what happens when apostrophes go missing. Ponder the status of the Sacramento Kings, the spiritual tendencies of Mike Malone, and the health of DeMarcus Cousins:

  • Player Note Tue, Dec 9

    DeMarcus Cousins (illness) is out indefinitely, according to coach Mike Malone.

    Advice: “We have no idea when he’ll be back,” coach Mike Malone said. “He’s still not feeling well and I can just hear the frustration and disappointment in his voice.” His viral infection sounds like it could keep him out until January and the Kings will allow it to run its course. All Cousins’ owners can do is hope he makes it back soon.

    More: Cowbell Kingdom

    (Rotoworld.com)

Let’s take a closer look at this existential nugget of wisdom:

DeMarcus Cousins (illness) is out indefinitely, according to coach Mike Malone.

Advice: “We have no idea when he’ll be back,” coach Mike Malone said. 

In the opening sentence of the news item, “he’ll” becomes “hell.” Instead of thinking about Cousins, the fantasy reader is treated to a very brief existential moment. Hell is coming back to Sacramento. The question is not “if” or “how,” but when. When will hell be back?

Heaven, Hell and the Sacramento Kings (image by Nate T designs)

Heaven, Hell and the Sacramento Kings (image by Nate T designs)

“He’s still not feeling well and I can just hear the frustration and disappointment in his voice.” 

In the second statement, the missing apostrophe is uneventful. “He’s” becomes “Hes,” which doesn’t do much. We understand, through Coach Malone’s explanation, that Cousins is frustrated and disappointed. Surely, the coach was also frustrated and disappointed to learn that any hope of winning a game will be further delayed by his star’s absence. All Kings fans will also be frustrated and disappointed. Viral meningitis will do that to a fan-base. 

His viral infection sounds like it could keep him out until January and the Kings will allow it to run its course. 

The second part of this sentence makes no sense. “…the Kings will allow it (the viral infection) to run its course.” As opposed to what? Forcing Cousins to play when the meningitis is causing all kinds of stiffness and complete lethargy? This sentence implies that the Kings front office had a discussion about whether or not to force Cousins to play with the lingering meningitis, but decided it was best to allow him to recover at home, like any human being would. 

All Cousins’ owners can do is hope he makes it back soon.

Well, Cousins’ owners can also complain to Rotoworld about the lack of apostrophes in their player notes. And, most importantly, worry about when Hell is coming to Sacramento. 

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