Breaking News: Celtics GM Danny Ainge Extends Coach Brad Stevens For Lifetime Contract


(Fictional) Boston, MA

On the eve of the NBA Playoffs, Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge has issued a (fake) statement announcing an unprecedented contract extension of head coach Brad Stevens. In the (fake) statement, Ainge announced, “We are more than impressed with Brad, both as a coach and as a person. We see no reason why we would ever want to replace Brad with another coach. The right thing to do is to lock him up for life.”

When a reporter asked Ainge about the possible misinterpretation of the phrasing, “…lock him up for life,” Ainge muttered a few words of profanity, and immediately tore up the press release, before shouting, “Where is that f*cking intern?”

The details of the lifetime contract are rumored to be forthcoming. An anonymous source inside the Celtics (fake) front office said, “Brad is deciding on his own yearly salary right now. He was the economics major, so he is good at figuring out his own retirement plan.”

When reached for comment, Stevens noted he is “very comfortable” with the arrangement.

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